Hurt and Offense

Scene from the Hills and Hollers: June 2006

Dear Mission Family,

Living in a smaller rural community, we sometimes find ourselves traveling considerable distances to secure the goods and services we occasionally need. On a recent trip to one of our “big cities”, Knoxville Tennessee, I experienced a phenomenon that used to be part of my daily life in the Chicagoland area. After waiting to make a difficult, but legal U-turn to join the continual stream of oncoming traffic, I found myself needing to be a little bit aggressive with my driving. At the next very small break in traffic I hit the gas and swiftly maneuvered into a lane. But I guess I didn’t move quickly enough. A bright red truck, piloted by a driver who obviously didn’t want me occupying a position in front of him, roared past and then cut directly in front of my vehicle. Of course this road warrior made certain that he had eye contact with me as he passed, expressing his displeasure at my move. I must admit, the only thing missing was the usual hand gesture. Perhaps by God’s Grace I missed that part of his statement. As my pulse quickened a little I realized that I was feeling some amount of offense at the other driver’s actions.

Later during the day I thought back to another experience of a few months ago. I had been sitting with a group of fellow ministers discussing some very difficult issues of the church. For whatever reason another pastor, who followed a rather pronounced Pentecostal tradition, looked at me and said, “You know, often when I begin to worship and I look towards you, I feel the Spirit of God depart. I’m unable to worship as I desire!” I believe what he was referring to was my personal, more contemplative manner of celebrating the presence of God. For whatever reason, this Minister of the Gospel felt compelled to tell me that he didn’t agree with it, and that my actions caused him distress. I don’t suppose that I need to share with you that I was deeply hurt by his comments.

What was the difference between these two situations, other than the obvious fact that the first one was a random encounter with an extremely temperamental un-churched person (a Christian would have never reacted like that, right?), while the second was experienced within the bonds of Christian fellowship? Neither person appreciated my performance in the circumstances we were faced with, but I reacted differently in each case. What was the difference? The answer becomes apparent- the presence or absence of a level of LOVE. I had some type of relationship with both of these men. The first was a momentary encounter, not based on anything other than occupying the same bit of asphalt. The second had developed over time as we served the Lord together. I felt nothing but irritation for the irate driver, but I have a level of love for my fellow minister. I forgot about the road-rage incident until I sat down to write this article, but I have pondered the church-related situation for a great many months.

As I considered these types of events in my life I was reminded of a great bit of Scripture that has helped me through similar situations.

If it is possible, as far as it depends on you, live at peace with everyone. (Romans 12:18)

I had to stop and consider this passage closely. “If it is possible…” It may not be! We may find that our personalities, beliefs, interests, and ways of expressing ourselves don’t mesh well enough with someone to allow frequent close contact, even in the church. We’re instructed to live together in harmony (not uniformity), but even two voices singing distinct harmony parts don’t always blend well. I’ve found it most difficult, sometimes impossible, to work alongside highly competitive individuals with personal agendas, even in ministry.

That’s where the second part comes in. “…as far as it depends on you…” You can’t control what someone else thinks or feels. That would be unhealthy. But you can do whatever you are able to insure that some level of peace prevails. How? By the way you REACT to the perceived hurt when it surfaces!

When hurt our first impulse is to take a defensive posture. We then usually try to justify our own actions to anyone else who will listen, especially ourselves. Finally we dwell on the event for a long time, allowing the wound to fester and remain exposed. But what should our response really be? We must remember that if there is a hurt then there is some level of love involved, if only one-sided. Try focusing on this remedy:

Finally, brothers, whatever is true, …noble, …right, …pure, …lovely, …admirable — if anything is excellent or praiseworthy — think about such things. (Phil 4:8)

You may have to confront the person who has trod on your emotions, but just perhaps it is better to allow the situation to simply pass. Often times the other person isn’t even aware that the hurt has occurred. Look at your friend with compassion, understanding that, regardless of their position or authority, they are affected by the same flawed human nature that impacts all of our relationships. And over all these virtues put on love, which binds them all together in perfect unity. (Col 3:14)

Oh, one final word about hurt. If you apply yourself to these teachings and still feel the sting of a perceived betrayal, be patient. The Lord has a way of taking all these things and working them together for something good, according to His perfect timing!

Our love and thanks to y’all… Jim and Rita